As shared at the Augusta Kiwanis Meeting
February 14, 2019
Love Matters
How the Supreme Emotion affects everything we feel, think, do, and become.
 
When I was a little girl, I knew all about love.  I knew that hanging my coat with Joey Greeley’s meant we would be valentines forever.  When I was 8 and we moved almost an hour away, I was crushed.  Soon though, my next love came riding up on his hot banana bike to keep me happy every moment of every day. 
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He loved to dance as much as I do, and he adored me, my family, and my no-bake cookies.  He was going to be happy forever, doing all the heavy lifting, and worshiping me.  At least I had the cookie part right!

Thankfully, I have learned a few things – from almost 39 years of marriage, along with studying Positive Psychology, Imago Relationship therapy, HeartMath, and in general the importance of love and keeping it alive.

According to Dr. Martin Seligman’s well-being theory -- the foundation for positive psychology -- we need 5 things in order to flourish -- and it seems Kiwanis would enhance them all. We need positive emotions, engagement, or flow, good relationships, meaning, or connection to something bigger than ourselves, and a sense of accomplishment.

Dr. Barbara Fredrickson has identified 10 positive emotions:  Amusement, awe, gratitude, hope, inspiration, interest, joy, pride, serenity, and LOVE. 

There’s a reason why so many songs are written about love, including that it is a many splendored thing.  It is truly the supreme emotion.  It’s not a singular type of positivity.  It can encompass all the other positive emotions.

In the early stages of a relationship we are deeply interested in everything the other person says or does.  We share amusement and laugh together often.  As our relationship grows it brings great joy.  We begin to share our hopes and dreams.  Once our relationship becomes more solid, we relax into serenity that comes with the security of mutual love. We’re inspired by each other’s good qualities, grateful, and proud -- and perhaps in awe that the powerful forces of the universe have brought us together.

Love, and the other positive emotions, open us up.  They broaden our perspective, and they build our resources.  Our peripheral vision actually widens.  We see more.  We become more attuned to others, more creative, wiser, and more flexible.
Love makes us fully alive and is perhaps the most essential emotional experience for thriving and health.
 
That said, what do we really know about love?  I’m going to ask you to forget for a few minutes about the love that is centered on desire. Set aside your view of love as a special bond.  Also set aside the expectation that we must love our relatives unconditionally, regardless that their behavior drives us up a wall.  If you’re sure love is a commitment, you might want to brace yourself.  And it’s not something out there that we fall into and perhaps later fall out of.

I’ve learned that love deserves a major upgrade.  That bond and the commitments people build around it are better described as products of love – the result of many small moments in which love infuses us. The body has its own definition of love, according to Dr. Fredrickson -- positive resonance.

Yes, the love I’m talking about is very different from my old fantasies.  Love is a state that we would do well to visit often.  Love is good for us!  Just like our body was designed to extract oxygen from the air and nutrition from foods we eat, our body was designed to love.  Love is a life-giving source of energy, sustenance, and health.

Science shows us that love, and its absence, fundamentally alter the biochemicals our bodies are steeped in; and they, in turn, can alter the way our DNA gets expressed within our cells.  The love we do -- and don’t -- experience today may literally change key aspects of our cellular architecture next season and next year

Just as our supplies of clean air and nutritious food forecast how long we’ll walk this earth – and whether we thrive or just get by – so does our supply of love.
 
Have you ever felt an aching sense of longing, like something vital is missing?  A deep thirst for more meaning, connection, energy – more something!  It’s like you’re craving an essential nutrient that you can’t quite put your finger on. 
Distractions call – second or third glass of wine, stream of Facebook posts, texts and tweets, the couch and remote, ice cream – still, you aren’t satisfied.
What we long for is love.  This emotion nourishes our body like sunlight, fertile soil, and water nourish plants and allow them to flourish.  The more we experience it, the more we open and grow.

I’d like to share a basic HeartMath technique I find helps fill that void.  It is also useful for regenerating energy, creating and maintaining heart-focused relationships -- with both ourselves and others -- and for broadening and building capacity in general. 

We now know that the heart sends far more information to the brain than vice versa, and the heart has an electromagnetic field that is so powerful it even registers with the people around us. 

This technique helps amplify the power of our hearts and our capacity for love.  It strengthens the vagus nerve and increases heart rate variability, which lowers blood pressure. 

This Heart Lock-in Technique has also been shown to boost the immune system.  We would normally do the simple 3-step process for up to 5 minutes, but this brief exercise will be enough for you to get the idea. As we cultivate the wonderful energy field of our heart, we regenerate our whole being, and it’s also a nice way to prepare for sleep.
Step 1. Focus attention in the area of the heart. Notice your breath. Imagine your breath is flowing in and out of your heart, breathing a little slower and deeper than usual.
Step 2. Activate a feeling of love, appreciation, care or compassion for someone or something.
Step 3. Radiate that positive resonance all through your body, out into the room, and into others in the world.
Practicing this settles us into an elevated and growing field of energy that affects the way we go forward.  And, remember, the change in our energy field affects those around us, as well.
 
Love is an emotion – a momentary state that arises to infuse the mind and body alike.  It happens whenever connection blossoms within the space between two or more people -- the sacred space, according to philosopher Martin Buber, where relationship lives. 

It even happens within short-lived experiences, like might take place with the stranger seated next to us on a plane when we’ve opened up, talked, listened attentively, and really seen each other -- human essence to human essence -- with respect and appreciation.

Love was clearly in the room last week at Slates during the Monday night concert where Laura Hudson did a tribute to the late Eva Cassidy.  She mentioned the divisiveness in our country right now and talked about how we all fundamentally want the same things for our families and loved ones, whether black, white, brown, yellow, blue, or red. 

She asked us to hold the hand of the person next to us.  To my left was my husband Dennis, who also took the offered hand of Marilyn, a lady we’d just met minutes earlier.  I connected with the sincere eyes of a stately appearing older gentleman looking down from the high-top table to my right as he reached for my other hand. 

I found myself tearing up, listening to Laura’s captivating voice sing Eva Cassidy’s rendition of John Lennon’s beautiful song, Imagine, while we all held hands.  I realized that, in that moment, each of us was becoming something larger than ourselves.

Quite simply, Love is connection, and love blossoms virtually anytime people – even strangers – share positive resonance.  This is when shared positive emotion combines with behavioral synchrony and mutual care.

Love requires two pre-conditions -- the perception of safety -- and a sense of authentic connection.  These aren’t quite reached with X’s and O’s, GIF’s or Bitmojis.  Our body hungers for moments of oneness and behavioral synchrony that don’t translate in texts. 

Loving connection can, and I dare say should, be re-cultivated every chance we get.  Studies show that we need to share a minimum of 5 positive experiences for every one negative experience, for a relationship to be healthy. 

Seeing love as positive resonance can motivate us to reach out for a hug, give a compliment, or share something inspiring or silly.  In these small ways, we plant additional seeds of love that help our bodies, our well-being, and our relationships grow stronger.
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Eva Cassidy’s favorite song is also my favorite song.  It’s the last song she ever sang in public -- Louis Armstrong’s Wonderful World.  I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do?  They’re really saying, “I love you.”

The key to confidence, in my opinion, is unapologetically choosing authenticity.  When you accept yourself as real and genuine, you are coming from character and heart, and everything you do from there is natural, easier, and true to your inner spirit.  No one else posesses the unique cluster of gifts you bring to your unique purpose in this world. 
 
Though it is common to ask friends and relatives what you should do when you are unsure and lack confidence, it is not a good idea.  Focus on how you feel, not what others think.  Whose life do you want to live, yours or theirs?  It's also common to measure success by superficial terms.  Think freedom and grace, not winning or losing or how much is in your bank account.  Confidence from accumulating money is not sustainable.  Confidence from achieving personal independence and self-respect is going to stay with you and bolster you for future challenges.
 
There are a few routes to confidence, and every one of them relies on authenticity. 
 
One key approach is mastery.  Think of a time when you were at your best and everything turned out exactly the way you wanted it to because of your insight, ability and effort.  Do you have a story in mind?  What motivated you?  What strengths, instincts, or other inherent gifts did you use to overcome challenges and accomplish your successful outcome?  What lessons came with your success?  How did it feel? 
 
Were there challenges you overcame?  In hindsight it is much easier to see how problems which appear to be happening to you are actually happening for you as they lead you to transform and grow. 

• Whenever a problem appears, tell yourself that it's simply what's happening – or even, "It's here for me".  Recognize that growing from challenge is necessary and a process that can be trusted to make us stronger.
• Learn your character strengths and how to best lead with them to overcome obstacles and enhance confidence.  You can find out what strengths are your highest in about twenty minutes through a link on my website that takes you to a free survey. Your signature strengths are the way you bring your best self to the world.  They come easily, energize you, and are recognized by others as the real you.  Owning them helps you go deeply and confidently into yourself.
• Keep growing.  Pick something new to experience or learn that interests you.  Take on additional challenges.  An elastic, once stretched, never goes back to the original shape.  You can start where you are, with what you have, and take baby steps if necessary.
• Give yourself permission to be human and embrace your vulnerability with self-compassion.  Honor your successes, and also cast light and love on the inner parts that you still want to stretch.  Give yourself permission to be amazing!
• Approach the as yet unknown with a spirit of observation rather than evaluating or judging. Tackle challenges with curiosity, not ego. 
• Get into the flow mindfully and lose yourself, along with all self-consciousness, in the effort. 
• Don't expect perfection.  Your consciousness is expanding, and perfection is impossible. 

 
Inspiration from observing others is another way to increase confidence. 

• Surround yourself with people who stimulate and motivate you by their own success.  Network and connect with others whose accomplishments you can learn from. 
• If you admire someone, you can think, "What does he or she have that I can get or get fixed?" 
• A mentor with a similar background can be a great way to become inspired while receiving support.

 
Expect success.  Masaru Emoto was a Japanese author, researcher, and photographer who claimed from his experiments with photography of crystals that human consciousness has an effect on the molecular structure of water.  He stated that what we imagine in our minds becomes our world.  When you critically visualize success along with the realistic, bumpy process to achieve it, you are strengthening the pathways in your brain that will take you there.

• Envision the details of the process going just as you would like, with a sense of freedom and pride. 
• Think of yourself looking back at this when you're 90 years old.  What path and outcome would bring your reflective self the most gratification?

 
Manage stress and build your emotional bank account.  Only take steps in ways that feel right and good to your soul. Take a deep breath and sense it in your heart. When it is authentic you will perceive expansion there.  Positivity also broadens options and builds resources.  Check in with physical sensations, breath patterns, posture; the pleasure of the thought gives renewed energy and inspires more effective behavior.  Rely on the wisdom of your heart to tell you what you want, not your mind or ego.  Choose to believe in yourself from this feeling of assurance.

• Focus only on the things you want, and ignore the things you don't want until they die a natural death rather than think about or discuss them.  What you think about you bring about, and what you resist persists.
• Clear your space, your mind, your diet,and make room for your energy to grow and flow.
•  Accept every compliment.
• Eliminate "should" from your vocabulary.  "Should" has a built in excuse that implies fear.  You can swap it with could, which implies choice. 
• Eliminate "but" from your vocabulary.  It is often seen to negate everything you said up to that point. Experiment with substituting the word and.  Be honest.  Be honest.  Be honest.
• Let go of a need to please anyone but yourself.  Say no when you want to.  Make a decision and commit without wavering
• Say yes when you want to, rather than postpone for a "better" time, like when you lose weight or have things just right somehow.
• Envision your life full of the deeper things you desire and take steps to align with them. 
• Become a connector yourself.  Stay open to opportunities to help others who arent quite as far along as you are yet. 

 
Be strong and go deep.  Your authenticity and confidence will be there.

The following was published by Love Evolve And Thrive, a website dedicated to helping women with relationships.:

You know what you don’t want now that you’ve kissed a few toads and are ready for that prince, "Mr. Right".  Now it’s time to think about what you do want and to do some self-reflection.  Take your time with each question, perhaps with your pen and journal.

• What do you most value in a relationship?  What does Mr. Right have that others don’t have? 
• In what way have past relationships affected how you'd choose the right man now?
• What three things do you want more of in your life?
• Who have been your major role models?  What do you admire most about them?
• What do you value most about yourself?

Are you feeling a little clarity around what you truly treasure in yourself and others?  Are you beginning to have a stronger sense of what you are looking for in a relationship with Mr. Right?  Now that you have an idea what vibe you would value in a partner, let’s look a little further.  What direction would your relationship take?

• What would life with the right man look like day to day?
• What is your ideal self-image for the future?
• What would your image look like if you viewed it through the eyes of your ideal partner?
• What new possibilities exist if you allow yourself to be complete and vulnerable with your authenticity?
• What self-doubts are you ready to leave behind?

 
Is your vision coming into focus yet?  Do you feel a sense of security, hope, joy, interest?  It is said that your vibe attracts your tribe.  

It is all too easy to fall into a sort of trance of low energy and self doubt.  Beliefs about ourselves will either stunt our growth and capacity for love, or feed, shed light on, and expand those good, loving vibrations.  A belief is just a thought you keep thinking – right or wrong.  What we focus on grows and it is very beneficial to recognize the difference between affirming and diminishing thoughts.  Practice catching them and make adjustments to maintain healthy, loving, life and light-affirming inner dialog.  

Accept your uniqueness.  Accept the things you aren’t thrilled with, too.  They make you human.  Keep to and embrace your own truth, both the things you struggle with, and your ideal well-being.  Recognize your inner worth.  Trust goodness in yourself, and learn to fill yourself with love.  When you truly love yourself, your attitude will attract other healthy loving people -- in all areas of your life.

• How can you better recognize, accept and honor your true inner worth?
• What boundaries are sacred to you and how can you fortify them?

A favorite saying is, “What you think about you bring about.”  Another is, "What you appreciate appreciates."  

• What action can you take today to bring yourself joy?
• Who can you write a note of thanks to?
• What relationship can you enrich by paying more attention to and turning in toward the other?
• How can you remind yourself that life loves you and that “Mr. Right” is worth waiting for and that he’s waiting for you, too?